Parental Alienation

DAD came across this article. It is a narrative of a child of divorce's experience with her own divorce. 

I was led to believe, all of my life, that my father wasn't interested in a relationship with me, that he had access to see me and chose not to. The truth was that he made regular attempts all through my childhood to send me packages and letters, to call, and to visit, and his efforts were ignored or refused. I was allowed to think that I was forgettable, inconsequential, and not worth his time. I was told all kinds of nasty things about him and encouraged to distrust him and to be grateful to my mother for shielding me from his influence. Meanwhile, he suffered the loss of his daughter who was coached to hate him. I couldn't be that monster who would raise my children with low self-esteem and the belief they were abandoned while robbing their father of his flesh and blood!

If there is a legitimate reason why a child should not be with his or her parents, such as substantiated abuse, then the police, children's services, and the courts should be left with the responsibility of sorting out those details. Otherwise, when a man and woman lay down together and make a child, it's a commitment of "for better or for worse" to that child, if not for a marriage. Even if the adult relationship doesn't last forever, the mother and the father are bound by blood and by eternity to the child. Perhaps we should be more careful of who we lay down with if we can't bear to parent with that person!

Not liking the other parent, embarrassment about the past relationship, or avoidance of the complications of visitation are simply not good enough reasons to erase a loved one from a child's life. I wish that I could go back in time and make different decisions for my life, but what's done is done.  Whether or not my marriage to my ex was a mistake, I can say that he gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give me: my children. We don't agree on everything, but we can harmonize in our shared love and admiration for our children and our mutual desire to see them grow up healthy and well-adjusted.

http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/divorce-warrior/why-i-wont-alienate-my-kids-from-their-father

Parental alienation also takes a softer form than the one exemplified above. A custodial parent need not actively undermine the relationship between the children and the former spouse. That parent can also naively alienate that relationship through simple passivity, undermining the parent child relationship by simply failing to facilitate a relationship between them.

The harm though, doesn't merely extend to the relationship between alienated parent and child. Alienated children are likely to blame the alienating parent for their behavior when they become aware of the alienation, thereby harming that relationship too. Children develop their own minds as they grow and mature and don't really care about why Mommy or Daddy prevented them from having a meaningful relationship with the other spouse.  

Relationships

DUMB Stuff People Do: Give an Ultimatum in a Relationship. “I gave him a marriage ultimatum — we divorced two years later.”

Um, yeah, that is never going to work out favorably, and even if it did, why would he want to be with someone that gave him an ultimatum? Moreover, dear author, why would you want to be with him if you could bully him into [fill in the blank]? His acquiescence would only decrease your respect and increase your contempt for him.

It would also burden his future decision making and self respect. No one likes a despot. 

Dad’s advice is to spend some time in meaningful introspection before entering into a relationship. Know yourself, proceed slowly, and be willing and able to respectfully end it before committing too many resources to it. Then, if you do proceed to make a commitment, honor it. 

Sad Day

TODAY the New Family Mom and Dad are no longer legally married. After over a year of separation they reached a final resolution to dissolve their marriage. Mom and Dad will move forward separately. 

It is a sad day.

Dad acknowledges the pain, the loss, his contribution to the outcome, and the disadvantages the Twins now find themselves in. Gone is the emotional, financial and physical security the Family once enjoyed and he was once proud to provide. Gone is the iron that sharpened iron - the volley of ideas between peers, the unified purpose of their partnership, the challenge between two sinners to strive toward being Christlike. Gone is his raison d'etre, a calling that God Himself pressed on Dad's own heart. But Dad will not dwell on loss. He will not use it to justify self pitying or as an excuse not to fully press the advantages and blessings he still has. Dad is not a victim. He will move forward constructively as best he can with what he has left. And he has a lot left.

While Dad can no longer speak for Mom, he believes that they still share the goal of raising their children in the best way possible. There will be challenges. They passionately disagree about what is the "best way possible" and how to achieve it. Mom has her strategy. Dad has his. They will individually implement them. However, Dad has not changed. He married with the purpose of being a father and being the best father possible.  

Hopefully, the antagonism and conflict will subside and they will work collaboratively on parenting the children. There is no current assurance of this. But Dad has hope, and a not unfounded optimism, that he and Mom will reconcile their relationship well enough to effectively fulfill their roles as a Mother and a Father.

This blog will continue in a limited way. It has always served multivariate purposes, one of which is to be a record for the Twins at a time when they are old enough to have an interest in their early life. It will continue to do so albeit within the constraints of the new reality. 

Homeschool Update

Homeschooled with MIT courses at 5, accepted to MIT at 15

After acquiring his entire elementary and secondary education from OpenCourseWare and MITx, Ahaan Rungta joined the MIT Class of 2019 at age 15.

"Ahaan Rungta and his family moved from Calcutta, India, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2001, the same year MIT announced OpenCourseWare (OCW), a bold plan to publish all of MIT’s course materials online and to share them with the world for free. Little did his parents realize at the time that their two-year-old son — already an avid reader — would eventually acquire his entire elementary and secondary education from OpenCourseWare and MITx, and would be admitted to the MIT class of 2019 at the age of 15."

http://news.mit.edu/2015/ahaan-rungta-mit-opencourseware-mitx-1116

Hi Guys. Daddy Misses You!

EJ is Potty Training!

MOM recently informed Dad that EJ is doing well on the potty. Big boy underwear is sure to come his way soon. Liesel is more reluctant.

Twin Fun

DAD came up for a visit recently. The Family went to a park and then to the mall.

Grandma bought Liesel her dress in Hawaii. No it is not made out of curtains.

It is a good thing they cannot yet read or they might not have wanted to ride the ATV.

Tulips

LAST Fall Dad planted tulip bulbs. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulip_mania

:-)